By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
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You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
why is half of my head shaved?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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