I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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