Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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