dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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