My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Randomize
