is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
