went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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