Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
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I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
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I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
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