I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
