It's like God shit irony all over that family
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
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tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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