So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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