final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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