Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
