The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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