We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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