I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
