I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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