You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
