She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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