sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
