some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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