I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
