Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
