and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
