her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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