I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
