I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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