Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize