Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
