I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
