Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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