BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
