so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
