Sober January is a disaster.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
