Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
