Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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