Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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