Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
