Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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