i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
