i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
