I only kidnapped one of them. chill
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
