I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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