First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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