Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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