Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
