just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
