well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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