i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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