im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I should be sponsored by Trojan
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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