There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
