We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
