i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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